Exposure

Why is it so hard to expose the imperfections? The truth? The real me?

I’m concerned that I’ve been masking these, quite literally, with the MAC make-up, the citizen jeans, and a to-die-for throw over that, anyone who’s anyone would know, came from Nordy’s.

As I look around, I wonder if I’m not the only one… It seems that we are all clones of each other, or of someone. We look the same, with our highlighted hair, our skinny jeans, and perhaps some well-worn converse (that make the outfit seem like we didn’t try too hard).

Why do we all want to conform to each other? Or is this the right question? Do we even realize that in dressing the way we do (all in the name of “self-expression”), we are, in all actuality, moving more in the direction of self-destruction.

Only recently has my mind been bombarded with these questions. And the reason for the new-found deep theological tourist thoughts is because my hidden quirks are surfacing in areas I’m not comfortable with them venturing onto the scene.
Specifically speaking, it’s a boy. I like him and he likes me.

We are at that point where the curtains are being drawn, whether I want to wake up to the illuminating sunrise or not. With each hiking venture, road trip, and movie night we are learning- learning the little things that were not there in the beginning- or were they?

My annoyances have surfaced, which I know is a surprise, being that I seemed to be all-loving, free, and as flexible as the wind on the first, second, and probably the sixth date.

But, now it’s the seventh date, and my lack of precision, has allowed the chest of unwelcome behaviors, that are me, to spill over. They are coming, unwelcomed, but none the less, coming.

How do I embrace them? How do I own them and own them with sincere ownership? I want to be able to claim them and confidently exclaim, “They are what make me me!”

It’s a work in progress…

If I could change the world

Perhaps I would start by changing myself- the way I think about things. If I had the power to ban negativity from my mind, I would cling to this power and create only “happy thoughts!” Seeing only beauty in the book sitting next to me that my homework schedule is telling me I’m supposed to read. Yeah, that book is beautiful! I can see it now, now that I have the power to do away with negativity. Its burnt brown color, bent edges, and out-dated illustrations on the front are exactly what my eye needs to keep me engaged for an extended period of time.

Or perhaps I would start by changing the way I see things. Instead of gazing out the window of my bedroom and only seeing the backside of a pute colored dilapidated building with moss taking up residence in an undetected location, I would see the hard work of some young man (full of life and ambition) who poured endless hours into the creating of this historic structure.
If I could change the world, I would change my perception and the perception of those around me. I would do away with a half empty cup and design the mind to only see things as spilling over the rim of the gold-rimmed goblet. I’m in high hopes that this tiny tweak to the brain and pathway of thoughts would evoke a trickle effect and spill over into all areas of the world.

“C’ est Moi!”

A mullet.

I’m a blend of contained and uncontained- professional in the front and a slight hint of crazy in the back.

The front. Well, let’s be honest. We all have a reputation to uphold. Hence, I feel the need to keep up the demanding trim schedule (every six weeks- nonnegotiable). I keep my thin, fine hair contained, professional, and put together with God only knows how many pumps of hair spray. It sits where I want it to sit, knowing full well that if not, it’ll be met with my saliva licked fingers, aggressively slapping and rubbing the fly-aways down, until it conforms to my wishes. Be certain that the front of my hair is on track! It has a goal in sight (what it supposed to look like), a plan of how to get there (diligently washing, manicuring, and repetitiously combing), and an immunity to distractions (urges to try out the latest “must-have styles”).

The back. The back is me! It’s my funny, my sporadic, my goofy, and my ever-changing being. It’s free and forgiving, happy and sad, angry and aggressive all mixed together and completely out of my control. Hidden behind the front (the traditional), is the retro, the free spirit, the true me. Living on my own time schedule, by own rules, and with the wind. The back bounces around like it’s nobody’s business. The back is fun!

Alignment with Truth

Alignment with truth is alignment with understanding- understanding the beauty in waking up every morning to fresh breaths of air pumping through the fibrous lungs that were gifted to me by the giver of truth.

If I were walking in truth, I would finally understand a love so great- so great, that nothing could ever delay me from basking in it every moment of everyday. This love would be my drive, my energy, my fuel. If I fully understood, I would become a little more ‘choosy’ when it comes to the gas that drives my efforts. I no longer would opt for the unleaded fuel, but would, undoubtedly, pay the cost to bring my body to life with premium, unwavering fuel from the richest of loves.

I truly believe that when in truth, I would be given an understanding of that old man. That man who I serve on the swing shift every other night at the Shari’s diner on the corner of Wheeler road, by the truck stop. I would know his reasoning for obnoxiously waving me over, while I’m obviously attending to other customers, blurting out “Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, waitress! Am I ever going to get a coffee refill?” Then rolling his eyes when I politely say, “It will be just one minute, Sir.”

Alignment with truth would inspire compassion that comes with understanding. Yes, I believe that alignment with truth would give me compassion for that man with a clear vision of his hurts, his scars, and the pain underneath his condescending “How hard can it be to pour a coffee refill?” thoughts, that are oh so clear. This compassion would surpass my simmering anger and my firing dendrites that are piecing together a clever comeback that would be sure to quiet him up, for at least the remainder of this visit. I’m sure that the understanding and compassion would do away with my go-to-list of insults, and empower me with a genuine smile and accompanying words for this old man.

Alignment with truth would allow me to see that all the little things (the rude comments, the pressures of life, and the expectations), they mean nothing. But then, at the same time, they mean everything.

End of Semester Reflection

This semester I have gained insight into the various positives and negatives of technology. I have been encouraged to get my hands dirty and really learn about different types of programs and technologies which will benefit me and my future students. More than anything this class has really "wowed" me with all the possibilities technology brings to the classroom. It works to get students more engaged in the learning process, it brings creativity and fun to the classroom, it changes the roles of the students as well as that of the teachers, and it is a huge part of our new age (so we should embrace it and use it to empower us). Some specific examples of things I have become much more familiar with are the Smartboar, Web 2.0 software, creating my own website, drop box, different types of blogs, podcasts, and many more.

In the beginning of the semester, I touched on some NETS for teachers standards that I really thought were important for me as a future ESL teacher. The standard that I felt were important to adhere to were Facilitate and Inspire Student Learning and Creativity. This standard holds that teachers use their knowledge of subject matter, teaching and learning, and technology to facilitate experiences that advance student learning, creativity, and innovation in both face-to-face and virtual environments. This standard is important to me as a teacher because I want to be a teacher who is fun and keeps learning fun. I want to inspire my kids to use their imaginations and be creative with their learning. I feel like this is something that I should focus on because, as much as it is ideal, being creative and inspirational takes work and is something that a teacher needs to put time into. When I decided to focus on this standard, I outlined three ways that I would work on this standard this semester. the goals I set for myself were: being creative with developing my blog, exploring the different current events in the world (via the internet) and blogging about them, and finally by responding to the posts of my peers. I definitely did work with my blog a lot, exploring all it's amentities and on a simple (but very useful level) I became comfortable with using the blog. In reflecting on the benefits of using a blog this semester, I can go back through all the blogs I posted and see refresh myself on all the new material I learned this semester. Those articles, insights, and reflections are all documented and saved for me to be able to go back and refresh myself on their enlightening messages. The second goal I created for myself was to get involved with reading about the current events online and then blogging about them. I did stay intune with what was going on in the news, however I did not blog about them. That is something I could still work on (being that this blog is mine to keep forever)! The final goal I set for myself was to comment on my peers blogs, which keeps me interacting and informed on new stuff they they found through this class as well. I did do this through out the semester and found that they sometimes approached issues differently than I did, which gave me a better understanding of certain issues. Altogether, this class has provided me with the opportunity to set goals for myself (in line with the NETS for teachers), which will help me be a better teacher in the end, and I am thankful for that!

Reflection # 12 Wired Classrooms

Today I found a website devoted to informing about the downfalls and shortcomings of a Wired Classroom. Wired classrooms work to creat technology-enhanced student centered learning environments. The author of the article I read, Jamie Mckenzie argued that the theology behind Wired classrooms is good, however the classrooms are not set up in a way that they are working to accomplish their goal. For instance, she fears that way too much attention, money, and energy is being pored into technology and not into the teacher development of the technology. Mckenzie wrote the following, "Having witnessed four years of efforts in a fully networked school district which offered its students robust access to the Electronic Highway beginning in 1994-95, I can report no miracles, no amazing transformations and no phenomenal shifts in student achievement which can be traced to the advent of these information technologies." While she believes that technology enhanced classrooms have the potential to transform the way students learn and get them further engaged in our new age, she also feels like the wired classrooms need to be set up differently. There needs to be more computers for the students, students should develop their own projects and when they questions the teacher should start a class discussion regarding their questions, and she also believes that the teachers need to be given more education on the use of technology.

So What: In reading this article, it was interesting to get insight into someone who has seen technology incorporated into the classroom, and has taken a negative viewpoint on it's effects. Mckenzie even went as far to compare the technology craze with that of the gold rush, arguing that the only ones benefitting at this time are the companies selling the technology.

Now What: What I took from this article is the fact that when not used effectively in the classroom, technology can become a hinderence to the students. It can take away from their learning time if they are not actually gaining from it. So, I want to be sure that I know how to use it effectively and in a way that furthers my students understand of technology and of the class content.

Reflection # 11: Technology brings a change of role

In an article I read entitled, "Effects of Technology on Classroom and Students," the author was suggesting the idea that when a teacher uses technology in the classroom, the roles of both the teacher and the student change. For instance, the learning is now in the hands of the students. If it is online communicating with peers, they take initiative in the communication, choose their own goals, and then execute their plans almost independently. If it is a group project, the same idea applies, in that they have to take initiative and work as a group to learn, understand, and then execute the technology project. This type of learing is very hands on, and puts a new spin on the learning process. In the same respect, incorporating technology into the classroom also changes the teacher's role. In years past, the teacher has mostly served as facilitator of information working to impart that information directly to the students via lecturing. But, with this age of technology, the teacher role changes to that of fostering an evironment where the students are required to take initiative on their own. The teacher is then there to initially explain the projects, and then be available (walking around from student to student) to help if any questions or problems arise.

So What: This change in roles has really worked to positively change the self-esteem of the students. In the article I mentioned earlier, a personal story was posted by a teacher. The story worked to describe a elementary student who was not excelling academically. However, he discovered the computer and a computer program in which he was able to make music. Once he figure this out, and created a beautiful song (staying in recesses to complete the song), he played it for the class and he was able to express his skills in a way not typical of elementary classrooms. When his peers and his teacher saw him in a different light, his confidnece was boosted and he was able to see himself differently as well.

Now What: This story really encourages me to get more familiar with technology. It ca be used as an empowering tool in many ways if it is used correctly. I think that it's awesome that it changes the role of the students to requiring them to take initiative and learn independently. In conclusion, this article really inspired me to learn new ways I can use technology in my classroom..